Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Blatant Lane Violation

By AC Philthy

: the act of violating : the state of being violated: as

a : infringement, transgression; specifically : an infringement of the rules in sports that is less serious than a foul and usually involves technicalities of play.

Years ago, a wise man aka Kenny Bloggins introduced me to a theory that changed my life. Put simply, there are certain acts that are clear lifestyle violations. These include, but are not limited to, naming your dog grooming shop The Garden State Barkway, having a personalized license plate, finishing your spouse’s sentences, and ordering the spring chicken at a steakhouse. In fact, this blog and blog entry may be violations in themselves. Regardless, here are some tips to keep you in good standing as a human being.

For, Four, and FORE!
Know how to play golf. You don’t have to be Craig Stadler AKA The Walrus (another all-time great nickname) out there but you need to be prepared. Put it this way, if President Obama knocks on your door tomorrow morning and says we have a tee time in 30 minutes you need to be able to grab your crap and go. This means you have to own clubs, know the rules, and be able to dress the part. Replacing your divots and raking the traps are optional.
Craig Stadler or Mike Holmgren?

Have a go-to drink
Allow me to clarify this because it is important; you should have a go-to drink that is not beer or wine, nor require a mixer of any kind. You should be able to honestly enjoy said drink at any moment of any day. You never see guys in suits with salt-n-pepper hair talking about something important with a vodka cranberry or Miller Lite in their hand. Let’s make this easy - think about the coolest room you have ever been in… it probably had a mini bar with several decanters nestled atop of it… those decanters were probably filled with scotch, vodka, or gin. Pick one.
Rumor has it I should be watching this show…

Respect the process
Every kid must go through the rite of passage that is selecting the sports teams they will root for their entire life. They are making a decision at 7-years old that will haunt them the rest of their life. Its fate and that is not to be messed with. I speak from experience as I once purchased a Brian Westbrook Eagles jersey for my nephew who was destined to become a Giants fan. The battle was lost and now a jersey lies dormant. He made his choice and now he must live with Eli-face for eternity. (Enter the mind of a VaGiants fan for a moment: THE GROUND CAN’T CAUSE A FUMBLE! THE GROUND CAN’T CAUSE A FUMBLE! OH CRAP.)
For five minutes of enjoyment visit www.manningface.com

Know when to hold them…
Remember the poker craze of 2003? ESPN started airing the World Series of Poker and everyone anted up. Hell, I didn’t even like poker all that much but I found myself in a basement in 10 other dudes, cigar smoke, and cheap beer on more than one occasion. Which brings me to my point; you should know how to play poker, especially Texas Hold ‘Em. Now I don’t want you to be one of those people that go to a casino and sits in the poker room for 10 hours at a clip, those animals need a hobby. That being said, you should be able to watch the movie Rounders and not feel inadequate, play in a charity poker tournament, or just bs with friends and family.
“In my club, I will splash the pot whenever the f#$k I please.”

All the world’s a stage, and all the men and women merely tailgaters
There are distinct rules for attending sporting events of any kind. I have created a list for your review:

1) Don’t wear a suit to a game
We get it, you are important… too important to bring a t-shirt and a pair of jeans to work to change into. May you spill a beer on your trousers you uppity turd.

2) Own season tickets to something
This shows the world that you are not afraid of commitment, which is important.

3) Tailgating is part of the game
This is pretty much self-explanatory. The last game I didn’t tailgate for was Pandemonium in Piscataway in 2006. While the game turned out okay, my absence at the flip cup table probably led to the slow and painful fall of RU football ever since.

4) Don’t complain about parking
Really? You are a grown up that has probably taken a Microeconomics course and passed with a C. Venues make money on parking and beer and break even on everything else. It is a fact of life we all must live with.

5) Tip the beer guy/gal
Think about it. Do you want to switch places with the guy walking up and down stairs for two hours with 30 pounds of plastic and ice strapped to his back dealing with tool sheds that have already violated rules 1-4? Didn’t think so.

Now this is more like it.

Wishing you and yours a Happy Thanksgiving… and for multiple injuries for the Cowboys.


  1. I have just bookmarked the Manning face site. Classic

  2. teddy kgb
    outstanding character
    top notch scene
    i could hear his accent when i saw his pic

  3. I'd just like to point out that our partially retarded Peyton Manning afterbirth of a quarterback has 1 more Superbowl MVP than any Eagles player ever. Thank you for your time.