Tuesday, December 7, 2010

The Best Athlete

By Aimless Rambler

It really is a never ending debate isn’t? I mean which sport produces the best overall athlete?

So many different factors to consider. Is it speed and strength? Agility? Endurance? At the end of the day, however, there is really only one question you need to ask yourself.

Which athlete would you want with you to survive the upcoming zombie apocalypse (Oh, that’s right....it’s coming).

Now you might be thinking to yourself that you don’t need the world’s greatest athlete to help you survive. Well, let me tell you - you’re wrong. You’re totally F’ed. Don’t believe me?

Go ahead - try to survive the night. What did you last? A night?. Not only that, but chances are your instincts are all messed up. Personally, I’ve been reading up on it. Gotta be prepared. I now know what not to do.

So while I know I’m ready, I’m also self-aware to realize I can’t do this shit on my own. I’m going to need some help. Someone strong but agile. Fast but has the endurance. I’m also going to need someone with excellent eye-hand coordination. In short, I am going to need to worlds most complete athlete.

Time to figure out who that’s going to be. First, we have to eliminate all the individual sports. Federer, Tiger, Lance? Sorry dudes - zombie meat. One of the keys here is going to be good teamwork, the ability to rely on someone else and who knows their role and what they need to do. Non team guys are only going to be looking out for themselves, won’t know how to function in the broader group. Not to mention if we picked up Tiger, there’s more than an excellent chance he’d be getting it on with all the survivor ladies (and based on what I’ve read, I do think all). I mean come on now there big man, the rest of us may want to pro-create to restart civilization too. Can’t start a new society with a hundred little Tiger clones running around out there.

Bottom line, no matter what you’ve accomplished in your sport - if you don’t play a team sport, I’m not going to consider you the most complete athlete, because my ass is dead when the zombies arrive.

So that gets me to the team sports. For laziness purposes I’m going to focus on the five main team sports. Yes, I believe that volleyball players are excellent athletes, it would be cool as hell to see Karch Kiraly spike a ball into the undead and watch his head explode, but seriously - how long could he keep that up? And my sets just aren’t that good.

Anyway, as much as I love the beautiful game and have only recently begun to appreciate how physical soccer is, and the endurance required, but I’m not counting on little 5’2” Lionel Messi to help me make it through the night. First off, we know that you’re balance isn’t all that great with the ease at which you collapse upon entering the penalty area. Additionally, your best bet for survival would be going in with the studs up two footed tackle. Probably effective in slowing the down, but we all know only a blow to the head is really going to do the job. Sorry soccer, have fun in Qatar.

It saddens me, but we’re going to have to leave Ovechkin behind. So many qualities to like too. Big, strong, tough - even carries his own weapon, which will be useful (note to self, bring hockey sticks everywhere now, because you just never know when). But the fact is, your comparative advantage to surviving the zombie reckoning is really only when you are on ice. Take you off your skates - and you really don’t have anything special that’s going to help me make it through the night. Good news though! Zombies are probably not the strongest skaters, so as long as stay on that frozen pond, you’ll probably be okay. I’ll come back to get you as soon as I can.

Basketball. Again, on the surface of it - seems like a pretty good way to go. The quickness would really come on handy when we’re ducking in and out to rummage for supplies; and I’m sure the vertical jump thing will be useful if cornered in an alley (which always seems to happen). The fact is, Lebron James is quite like possibly going to go down as the second best basketball player of all time, but I’d consider him a massive flight risk. I mean if we were about to be overrun by a swarm of the undead, the last thing I need is someone who’s thinking of taking his talents to south beach. So if it’s not going to be the King of basketball, who the hell else could it possibly be? I mean, hell, Jordan only hit .220 in double A ball - not exactly cross-over highlight we are looking for.

So that pretty much leaves football and baseball for the fate of the Aimless Rambler. Not good, not good at all. So in football the best athletes are probably the wide receiver or the linebacker. Yeah, sure maybe Michael Oher is this phenomenal physical freak, but unless I’m trying to distract the undead by allowing them to feast on his massive body, I ain’t going with that guy. The problem with WRs, however, is that they are a bunch of prima donnas. Can’t be relying on the me first guy for my or the groups safety. And Ray Lewis? Well, he’s probably comfortable with firearms, I mean that’s got to be a plus. He’s also fearless - and when there are thousands of them swarming you, you are going to want someone without fear. You will want someone who is emotionally stable, however. I don’t know about you, but every time I look at that guy I really do believe he would benefit from some anger management classes.

So football is out. Hope is almost lost. Who am I going to take? A pitcher? That’s perfect if I need to plug a zombie in the head every five days, before he’s in the DL for Tommy John’s surgery. Please. So we’ve highlighted what we need. Great overall athlete, fearless, emotionally stable, not on ice skates, good eye hand coordination, and a leader. Having his own weapon would probably come in handy. Ladies and gentlemen, the worlds most complete athlete:

I mean this guy is a freak. He has everything. Speed, power, eye hand coordination, has his own weapon. Here’s my theory, you could plug Crawford into almost any sport and I think this guy could be an elite athlete in that sport. Maybe not in the pros, but somewhere close to that, and that includes my newest sport; whooping zombie ass. Good times.

As long as he doesn’t sign for the Yankees.

I can sleep better at night knowing that now have a complete plan.

The Walking Dead season finale is Sunday. It’s go time.


  1. he should be signing right after lee

  2. Dude, hilarious post. Nice work! Crawford is a great all. If you wanted to kick it old school I think I would have to go with Bruce Lee. What was is 40 time?

  3. Crawford was recruited to run the option attack as Nebraska's QB. -- Kenny Bloggins