Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Running commentary from Bears-Vikings MNF

By Aimless Rambler

My running commentary on the Bears game, while I realize I have taken this from the Sports Guy - I don’t care. This game is HUGE, even with the Pack loss last night:

8:35 : Are you fucking kidding me, Favre is playing - can we just shoot him in the head now, or do we need some sort of permit?

8:36: Okay - three straight runs for a total of 100 yards. Not exactly that start that we are looking for #2 ranked run D.

8:38: A pass! Damnit. I actually expected a INT

8:42: Holy F’ing shit, this might be the shortest running diary ever. What’s that five plays and a TD. I need a drink. Nothing says Monday Night Football like a very large pour of Bordeaux. This is sowing all the seeds of an angry drunk

8:47: Our first offensive series, and it wasn’t a turnover. After such a great rookie year, what’s the conclusion on Forte? Bust, or some serious promise. I can’t figure him out. I mean the O-line is terrible, but he has not been great this year.

8:49: First pass - and it’s complete, only the 8th third down conversion of the year. Followed up by a near pic, of course. Cutler sucks

8:53: Heat Lakers - Christmas Day! I’m cheering for injuries

8:55: Man City lost 2-1 to Everton tonight, but on the upside Delaware is off to the national championship on Jan 7th.

8:56: A pass as best I can figure to a Viking. We’re going to lose. We suck.

8:57: Favre just threw an INT in his Wanglers commercial. Wrangler jeans – when you just the right fit for when you want to expose yourself to others.

8:59!!!!! Yes! That’s just Brett being Brett. If you’re the Vikings, you can’t stop the pics, you can only hope to contain them. Shit! Penalty, pic comes back. But that didn’t take long, another pick. Is there some reference we can measure of the worst football game of all time, because this has all the making.

9:04. Ball on the Viking 10, total number of yards zero. 7-3. I mean really - you have to do better than that. Although on the plus side, I am loving outdoor Minnesota football in December. I can’t think of a better home field advantage. It makes me think of the time Ditka referred to the Metrodome and the Rollerdome. If I recall correctly that was the same year McMahon came in halfway through the game at the Rollerdome and lit some shit up - Bears ended up winning 30-24 (yes, I had to look up the score). That actually reminds me. Kevin Butler spoke at my high school junior year; only memory is that I never expected an ego that big on a place kicker. I mean seriously.

9:11 - Turns out that game is back on. And yes, I’m almost ready for a refill. This is AWESOME! Snap WAY over Favre’s head. This Vikings team is terrible. I mean we’ll still lose, but I love seeing the Vikings suck.

9:14. HOLY CRAP! Cutler puts up a lame duck. I mean I have a better arm than that - and still somehow it finds Knox who takes it in. Not only was it a third down conversion, but a real live touchdown.

9:16. Listen. I love Michael Jordan, and if you’ve ever had the conversation ‘if it had to be a guy...’ he’s a least on the list, but the Hitler mustache has got to go. I mean what exactly is the statement he’s making “I can make anything look good, even if it reminds you of the Holocaust” Not really what Hanes hand in mind, I think

9:21. Vince Vaughn? What happen? You were Double Down damnit, you’re better than this. Off the map coming in January. I can almost guarantee here was the pitch - ‘it’s like Survivor meets Grey’s Anatomy, what can possibly go wrong?’ Well, that’s what they thought when they bred a great white shark with an octopus. How’d that work out?

9:28. Whoops, so caught up in the trailer didn’t realize the game was back on. Look up. Yup, teams still suck. TCU is in the Rose Bowl? WTF? Good God the Bowl system sucks.

9:30. In five years when Favre is eligible for the Hall of Fame - he’ll be welcomed back as a Packer, right, I mean after everything that’s happened? That’d be awesome if the booed him like the Giants fans did to Barber, but I think Wisconsin people are just too freaking nice for that.

9:36. Have now been asked to assemble all the kids presents. Drinking, watching football, typing, and trying to open child proof gifts, all this from a guy who can barely walk and chew gum? Something tells me this ends poorly.

9:36. Favre goes out. The mean side of me smiles the same way it did when I remember listening to the game Montana almost died he was hit so hard. Who was the against, the Giants? At the end of the day I might just not be a good person.

9:41. Sorry, got a little tied up in a gift. Is there anything more f’ing annoying that having to try to free a child’s toy from its packaging. It’s torture. On the good side, the Bears are in fact matriculating their way down the field, almost with a sense of purpose. But don’t worry, I’m still negative about their chances.

9:43. TOUCHDOWN! I just smiled for the first time tonight. I am a really bad person to watch a game with because I get so worked up in my own negative energy it’s tough to get me positive again.

9:45. Joe Webb. Hang on a second, this is going to require research. Picked as a WR in the 6th round, out of UAB. Here comes either the option offense of a messed up version of the wildcat.

9:54. Yup. Starting to feel the vino. Bears are actually playing well. Can you have rose-colored sports glasses?

10:01. Holy Crap. Dance Star Mickey just started dancing and came alive just like Chucky, I just jumped out of my skin. I now hate this toy.TD! And a flag. Crap. Offsetting. Quickly followed up by an interception. WTF Cutler. It was a perfect pass right to the cornerback. In the span of a minute I just went from freaked as shit from a toy, to a fist pump to totally disgusted. A team shouldn’t cause this kind of emotion.

10:05. And so this is how the first half ends, not with a bang, but with a whimper. Halftime. While Berman used to be slightly amusing, like most of ESPN I now just find him (and it) really really annoying. Is that just me, or has the self-promotion and catch phrases now just started to grate on everyone’s nerve?

10:20. And we’re back live. Devon Hester! One man wrecking crew. Down to the 10. Three points here we come! you for not disappointing. Points are points, but seriously - that’s like driving the green on a par four and making 5. I get it, I play bogey golf, its expected - but still...

10:29. Are you kidding me? Hester! TOUCHDOWN! He might even make me start cheering for the U! (okay, scratch that - that will never happen). But seriously, this guy is sick. At what point does any special team coach just take the penalty and kick it out of bounds? And on a punt, he should never get within 20 yards of the ball. You have got to be shitting me!

10:36. I know I keep writing this, but this Vikings team is terrible. Yeah - so they’ve lost about 18 starting players and Peterson isn’t playing, but this is awesome. They’re awful. Turns out an 8th string team can still score on this bears D. We are well positioned for the playoffs.

10:44. Lighting the Vikings up like Swiss Cheese! That analogy doesn’t even make any sense, but here’s something that does - Jay Cutler to the ProBowl! Another TOUCHDOWN!. 34 points! Most points they’ve scored this season.

11:01. My assembly of toys is taking all the fun out of this. Another freaking field goal.

11:06. OH Snap! That’s a good hit by Harris I think. I know Kenny Bloggins has mentioned it before but they are attempting to make this flag football, and we all know one of the best parts of watching is when someone gets a little laid out.

11:07. Fumble from Minn. This is really pure joy. I think I just saw a Viking fan cry. And I laughed.
11:18. Like most of my writing, I’m starting to lose interest in my own subject. What the hell is the matter with me, I mean seriously - can’t keep something going for three hours? I guess I’m not Sting. Anyway, another interception for the Bears. If I’ve calculated correctly that puts Viking turnovers at 43 tonight. Good times.

11:25. What’s wrong with my dragons? I think I’m going to have to show up to work one day with an outfit like the dude in the Miller Lite commercial. That shit is sweet.

11:25 As you can tell, I’ve got nothing left. I’m going to stick with it, but have to say - this experience has left me with just a little admiration for folks who run the running commentaries on a regular basis. I’ll read the Sports Guy occasionally, as well as some Minute by Minute on the Premier League and this shit it hard to do. Making anything resembling an interesting point, and I’m not even talking a humorous point, is hard. I feel like Ron Burgundy ‘This is hard!’

11:45. So that’s it - that’s the game. I have to tell you, I am one conflicted Bears fine. Lovie has just won his 3rd division title in six years, and yet I still think he’s a terrible coach. They just chalked up a 26 point win against a division opponent, and are just one win away from sweeping the division - and I’m still not convinced. And they are currently the 2 seed in the NFC since they already beat the Eagles. I mean what more can I possibly be looking for as a fan. I’m fired up but preparing for a first round exit.

I have to get my head examined.

1 comment:

  1. how come no running commentary on the packers/bears game?